To those left behind
by Amenna
Summary: Prior to every expeditions soldiers are reminded that they may write letters for those left behind. These letters will be delivered should they not return. Not everyone does actually make use of this, but those who do have quite different things to say. This is a collection of some farewell letters.
1. Petra to Levi

I always thought this letters would be a nice idea and finally decided to write some of them.  
Well, actually I already have those which I wanted to write ready in German, but I realized it is really hard to translate letters, even more as I'm translating from and not to my native tongue.  
Therefore I apologize in advance should there be some mistakes disrupting the reading or should it take me too long to post the next chapter.  
Probably I'm just struggling trying to keep the mistakes to a minimum. Usually I would ask a friend to beta this for me, but I would spoiler her and I don't want to do that. (Should you by any chance be reading this, please, stop right here!) So, yes, this is not spoiler-free unless you have seen most of the anime.

* * *

He stared at the piece of paper in his hand, hesitant to rip it open. It was labelled in a clear, fluid way with nothing more than his name. No title, no decoration or squiggle. Just his name.  
It had been obvious that Petra would be one of those to write such a letter. A farewell letter. Prior to each and every expedition. Again and again.  
As if knowing the high risk to die was not already enough, as if there was nothing more important than leaving words for those left behind, making them aware of all they had lost once again.  
There was no obligation to, but most soldiers would advise especially young ones to write these. He thought it to be sheer torture. With an expedition ahead people should concentrate on preparations not on thinking what to leave behind should they not return. It did not bring any inward peace, just the pressing knowledge that it was not that unlikely to happen. Making it clear again and again what could be lost. Even if he had wanted to he did not have the strength to do it. Not time and again.  
But Petra's letter was of recent date. The date stamp sitting so wrongly in the lower right corner bore the date one day before their ride outside the walls. One damn day. And he knew far too well that she had done the same last time and every single time before. She always wrote new letters and most likely even more each time.  
He glanced towards his desk where four more letters lay carefully sealed and inscribed. They had handed him the ones to his other squad members as well. Such irony.  
Levi leaned back shortly then sat up, putting his own letter aside and reaching for the other ones. He sorted out Eren's and let if fall next to his own. Then he took a moment to simply look at the three other names in the candle's flickering light. Erd. Günther. Auruo.  
With a deep sigh he stood and took a few steps towards his fireplace. He felt old, his movements weak and tired and his thoughts weren't in any better shape. His gaze went to the crackling flames and for a brief moment he tried not to think of anything, but pictures glowed in his mind making him try to push them away quickly.  
He shut his eyes tightly and rubbed his forehead with his free hand. All of them ... they just kept on disappearing ...  
He opened his eyes again, extended his right hand and threw the letters into the flames with a quick motion, before he turned and went back to his desk. Petra's last words would never reach them and he surely did not want to read them. That was a private matter.  
He sank back on his chair and looked at his own letter again. Did he really want to read it? Did he really want to know what she had to say?  
With a sigh he jerkily broke the seal. Just as he expected a lot of lines appeared, Petra did not make it short.

_Levi,_

_I know you won't approve of me addressing you without your title, but I want this letter to reach not my superior, but a person who I have come to see as a friend and respect very highly._  
_I know you always try to seem unimpressed, but I can see in your eyes that all the deaths hurt you just as much as everyone else, that you miss the people and probably ask yourself if you could have done anything to prevent them from leaving._  
_You're making your own life harder than you would ever admit and I'm not sure, whether I won't make it worse with these lines. But I wanted to thank you. For being there for your subordinates, for taking care of them even if they themselves aren't aware of it._  
_I could not wish any more of a superior and I'm sure I'm not the only one to think that way. Those who are lucky enough to really get to know you will appreciate it. Don't take those rumours about you being cold-hearted and unapproachable to heart. You are a warm-hearted and good human being and I'm glad and proud to have worked with you._  
_Thank you for the first weeks as well. Perhaps it was too unimportant for you to even remember, but when I was new to the legion you taught me to stay calm and told me everything was under control, the risk calculable as long as we kept sight of the bigger picture._  
_You were right. Even if I was not able to really stay calm all the time I tried to take it to heart and it made things easier for me._  
_Whatever people may say, stay the way you are, one day they will for sure understand._

_Thank you for everything and, please, take care._

_Petra_

Levi let his arm fall down slowly and leaned back while closing his eyes. A softly murmured "Petra ..." escaped his lips with another sigh. She had seen more in him than what was actually there, that much he was sure of and she had worried about the wrong things, but...  
He smiled sadly, folded her letter neatly and put it almost carefully into his desk drawer where two others were placed already.  
He would miss her.


	2. Petra to Eren

The door of his cell was pushed open and Eren looked up. Of course they had him locked up again, how could they not? But at least they had forgone chaining him to his bed this time. Sure, the chains remained and they probably had the keys at hand but for now he was allowed to move freely inside the small chamber. For now.  
Now and then a guard would pass in the hallway outside, but other than that he was left alone with his thoughts – even though he was pretty sure they would never leave completely and as soon as he would do anything conspicuous like screaming loudly they would be there to reprimand him at once.  
He sat on his bed, legs drawn to his chest, arms wrapped around his knees and staring into the distance. That was why he had not noted someone entering his cell. As he lifted his head, Levi was already standing directly in front of him, eyeing him silently for a brief moment.  
"Eren."  
Did he look that absent-minded? Eren sighed. "Yes, Captain?"  
Levi hesitated slightly, eyed him again as if trying to predict a following reaction. Eren squirmed a little under his glance; it was unpleasant, investigating, calculating. Then Levi lifted a hand and Eren twitched a little. He did not know why as it would have been completely meaningless to slap him, but somehow he was prepared for anything.  
Anything but Levi offering him a letter. A brown envelop with his name in clear handwriting on top. "They just gave me this." For a moment silence filled the room as Eren eyed the letter in disbelieve. Since he was hesitant to take it, Levi added a little softer: "It's from Petra."  
Eren blinked unintentionally, his eyes growing wide. He had not expected her to write him. No, he had not expected anyone to write him.  
"Did you read it?" He asked and hoping to get a confirmation, since he was afraid this letter could be made of accusations or even worse. But Levi just snored as Eren finally took the piece of paper. It felt heavy in his hand.  
"Of course not. If you were able to read, it should come to your attention that this is your name written upon it, not mine."  
With these words he looked at Eren one last time in a way the later could not decipher, turned and was gone even faster than Eren's door was locked again.  
Eren stared at the letter in his hand and he felt tears filling his eyes just so shortly after they had stopped. "Petra ..." He whispered softly, before gulping heavily and ripping the surprisingly undamaged seal of the envelope.

_Dear Eren,_

_should you be holding this letter in your hands the expedition probably did not go as planned. I really hope you are alright and I'm the only one who did not make it back.  
__Whatever happened, please, Eren, don't blame yourself, I'm sure it was not your fault.  
__I know this is anything but easy for you and I don't even dare to imagine what they might do to you should the expedition really have failed.  
__Don't give up, stay with the others, they will help you. Trust in Captain Levi and Commander Erwin. They will for sure do everything in their power to keep the damage at a minimum.  
__You're a good boy, Eren, that's why I am convinced that it's not your fault, that you would never turn willingly against us or anyone in the legion. I'm deeply sorry for doubting you in the beginning.  
__Maybe a lot of people felt like that as we got the news of you being able to turn into a titan. It was a dubious, bizarre and frightening concept. But it offers no excuse.  
__As I was told about you, I was unsure what to think about you and when I came to know you I thought it all to be a lie. I did not want to believe these things to be true and was even more shocked when it happened. I should have known better, we all should have.  
__The way we reacted in this very moment was inexcusable. You were nervous yourself and did not understand what was happening – today I know that much. It should have been our job to stay calm, to get an overview of the situation, but instead we only made it worse in jumping to the wrong conclusions much too fast and thinking you wanted to harm us. If Captain Levi had not stopped us we might have made a fatal mistake. I'm still reproaching myself for that. I should have known, I knew you well enough to realise you are not the kind to do something like that.  
__Eren, I'm really and truly sorry and I can only hope for you to not remember us too badly for what we did back then.  
__I don't think I hold the right to give you advices or famous last words at this point. I just hope that it was really just me and everything else went well. Should you ever have had that impression, please believe me that none of us hated you. On the contrary, despite all that mystery about you or the titans, I'm very glad I was able to meet you.  
__I wish for everyone to learn and see the human you are and not some kind of machine, weapon or monster. Don't let anyone talk you into believing it, you are none of these and I'm sure one day all of you will reconquer the world outside the walls._

_Take good care of yourself and keep your head up. And forget about me as fast as you can, I don't want to make things any harder for you than they already are._

_Petra_

A few wet drops fell on the paper and made the ink blur a little, before Eren slowly pressed the paper to his chest and shut his eyes.  
"As if I could ever hate you ..." He murmured quietly and sadly. Blinking back a few tears he held the letter up again, reading it a second time.  
He was not even aware of someone stepping close to the bars of his cell, watching him silently for a few seconds then turning again with a slight shake of the head and leaving him alone once more.


	3. Levi to Eren and Erwin

Levi sighed while closing the door to his room behind him. He wasn't really sure whether Petra's letter had made Eren feel better or even worse. But considering she often found the right words he hoped she managed to tell him that it hadn't been his fault.  
Eren was obviously more shaken by everything going on than he had thought. Perhaps he had misjudged him, Eren clearly had some weak points concerning deaths. That was a little unfavourable. Still he could not blame him, he really couldn't.  
Considering everything that happened to him so far he had put up a surprisingly good fight, Levi had to admit that much. But this little outbreak made him doubt about Eren being ready for expeditions. After all he was still a fifteen years old teenager growing up without his parents and living through terror most of the stuck-up prigs further inside the walls would not have to face in their whole life.  
And still all of their goddamn hope lay with him. Levi took two quick steps towards his desk and opened one of the drawers to fish out a piece of paper and a penholder.  
It was his job to make take care of his subordinates and he had to make sure Eren would not break should something happen to someone. And the way the boy reacted to him it could get really bad.  
His gaze flickered back to the chimney as he unscrewed the inkpot, right into the still burning fire. He was not like Petra, he did not write letters time and again. He simply could not.  
Looked at in this light, Eren could count himself lucky. Up until today there was only one other letter he had left behind. It had been years ago, but Levi never saw any reason to change it. Sometimes he wondered what Erwin would think should he ever receive it and realize it was several years old.  
Levi looked back onto his desk, dunking the pen into the ink he hesitated for a brief moment. He did not like putting these things into words, it felt weird for everyone involved. But Eren had to understand that there was a chance for it to happen, that he was just as mortal as everyone else and that he had to ... go on. Levi lowered the point and started writing.

_Eren,_

_should you ever hold this letter in your hands, I failed. I'm not the kind to tell you to go on and make a speech about it and I won't even try to. _  
_You really need to learn how to make a stand. You're a coward. Hurry up and learn how to make decisions and live with them._  
_Do never dare to regret whatever it was that lead to my death. Even if you should be foolish enough to think it was your fault, unlike you I chose my way by myself, so it was my decision as well. _  
_If you are still alive, that's good, stay like that, because I most definitely don't want to see your stupid mug again for at least another thirty or forty years._

Granted, this was neither Petra's warm nor Erwin's skilful choice of words, but Levi failed to see any reason to force himself to senseless blather. And apart from that he did not put it past Eren to understand him.  
He waited for the ink to dry, then folded the paper and put it inside an envelope labelled with Eren's name. He took another deep breath before getting up and heading to the administration's office. Surely the "nice" lady would be surprised to see him again after all that time. And he would most likely get it wrong.  
No, he did not turn softer, but Eren would understand why he wrote this letter. Just as Erwin, should he ever hold it in his hands, would understand the meaning of those two words in his letter. Because compared to Eren's letter, Erwin's was really short. But it still contained everything left to say.

_Thank you_


	4. Eren to ?

To Cyborg (who reviewed anonymously): I'm sorry, I don't know how else to answer to these, therefore I'm going to do it here. Thank you for your reviews, I'm really glad, you liked them. I don't know why the second chapter was harder to read, but I'm sorry, I'll try to go over it again and make it easier. Thanks again! :)

* * *

"Eren."  
He slowly tilted his head upwards in reaction to the well known voice. Three days had passed since they came back and Eren had calmed down a little. But it hurt to even think about what had happened and he tried to avoid it whenever possible.  
That worked reasonably well since Armin and the Commander presented him something new to brood about this morning. Not to mention the fact that this campaign - starting about three hours from now when he would be officially transferred – was not exactly what he would have wished for.  
He sat on the plain bed, his legs drawn to his chest and his head resting on top, trying to push everything to the back of his mind and not asking himself time and again whether Armin's guess would turn out to be right in the end. He could – no, he did not want to believe it would.  
But now Levi was standing in front of him and Eren gulped. Had he lost track of time? Were they going to start already? He was most definitely not ready!  
At once his breathing sped up a little, but before he could open his mouth to say something, Levi held something out to him.  
Eren blinked a little confused and took the flat, elongated case.  
"What's that?"  
Levi did not answer, but as soon as Eren lifted the lid, he knew nevertheless. Inside were a few pieces of paper, envelopes, a quill and a small inkpot made of glass.  
Eren sighed, looking upwards again. "Do you assume I will die?" He asked bluntly.  
Levi studied him for a minute without saying anything or even moving, then he slowly shook his head. "All of us can die any time, you should be aware of that as well. I know you did not write a single letter so far." Where ever he got that information from? "This might be your last chance. I'll be back in an hour."  
And with these words he turned and signalled the guard to let him out. Eren followed him with his eyes for a few seconds. It was true, before they left for the expedition he didn't even think about writing a letter and now...  
His gaze shifted back to the paper and he slowly picked out one, laying it on top of the case he was going to use as pat, and dipped the quill into the ink. He watched a drop fall back down as he lifted it and causing some tiny waves for split seconds.  
Petra's letter had hurt him, but it had been kind and warm and just her. It was good to know she had thought of him and reading it had been like talking to her one last time. Perhaps farewell words like these were important and able to help others. But... what was he supposed to write?  
Slowly he moved the quill towards the paper, hesitated a bit and then lowered it gradually.

_Armin,_

_I know, I'm terrible concerning this, but_

_it's hard to put into words what I want to say, you always have been better in this than I'll ever be and_

_I'm glad we were friends an_

_take care of yourse_

Frustrated Eren gave up after his third attempt. It was impossible, simply and utterly impossible to find words for what he wanted to tell Armin. No matter how hard he tried, they just sounded wrong and felt so much like a goodbye that it hurt Eren. Yes, these letters were meant for the case that it actually was goodbye, but... writing one made him feel like looking ahead to a certain death. It was impossible.  
He took some deep breaths, forcing himself to calm down again, taking the piece of paper and crumpling it up, before taking a new one and smoothing it out on top of the wooden surface.  
Armin would know. He would understand, why it was so hard, but they never needed words anyway for him to know what Eren wanted to say. And Eren would trust his childhood friend to understand him this time as well.  
He dipped the quill again, starting another, new letter.

_Mikasa,_

_even if we met under pretty bad circumstances_

_I'm sorry I won't be there anymore to_

_I did not want to die, I did not want to fail, I_

_Please, forget me and_

Nerve-wracked Eren threw the quill onto the ground pulled off the paper, crumpled it and slammed it towards the quill.  
He snorted with rage about himself, forcing himself to at least take the time and close the inkpot and place it back into the case again, before he put it down almost gently and let himself fall back against the wall with his arms crossed in front of his chest.  
Mikasa would know just as well as Armin. Everyone he might have written a letter to would know.  
He could not allow himself to assume he would fail and die, because if he did he surely would.  
He had to get through this and if he really was not alive anymore in the end he would have died trying and everyone would know.  
Armin would know how grateful he was for his friendship, Mikasa would know that he would have wanted to be there for her longer, Jean would know that Eren long since viewed him as a friend and thought highly of him and his superiors would know that he had done his best to become a good soldier.  
There was no need for him to write it down.  
When Levi came back, Eren sat in the same spot, only his head turned to the tiny window now, watching that small patch of the sky it allowed him to see.  
Levi did not say anything as he picked up the two crumpled pieces and the case. He did not ask, only reminded him to be ready as things would begin soon. Eren nodded and Levi left again.  
Obviously he already understood and a small, sad smile ghosted across Eren's face.  
He was not allowed to fail.


	5. Armin to Eren

I really had a hard time translating this time and I'm sorry should it not have turned out that well. For Armin I usually try to be very careful in phrasing and I'm not sure if my English is actually good enough to do that while translating. I did my best, but I'm not very certain with my choice of words and sentence structure on some parts. I apologize for that ...

* * *

Armin had withdrawn to some far off corner of the library. It had become his resort from the moment he gained access to it and he went there whenever he needed some rest. Or time to think. Sometimes even both.  
Even if it was fruitless right now as he would never be able to solve what he was worrying about, simply because there was no possible solution. He had found answers to some of the questions, but they just raised more questions. Especially questions on how to handle things not how to act from here on.  
Armin could not prevent from still thinking things through time and again and he was really glad that it was not his job to reach a decision. No matter the result it was a difficult one. He definitely did not envy Commander Erwin. Armin wondered how many soldiers were aware of how hard it was and how long it could take until an order was given?  
Armin shook his head slowly and turned back to the task at hand. One he should have done quite a while ago, but never really got around to. A sad smile made its way to his lips as he wrote down his thoughts in a clear writing. Somehow it felt good to get it off his chest and to know that his words were not lost just in case. Still it made him sad knowing that it was not that unlikely for these letters to be read sooner rather than later.

_Eren,_

_I don't know what the cause of my death will be in the end. Probably something stupid I did in spite of knowing that I would not succeed. Perhaps it was misfortune or even an accident. Both of us know how weak I actually am and that I never would have made it this far without your and Mikasa's help._  
_It is not unlikely for me to die long before you and I am grateful for that fact. Not because I want to die, but because I can rest assured that you will outlive me. That you will grow old and maybe even have children some day._  
_And even if not, at least you will get older than me. When you are holding this letter in your hands it also means I did not see you die a second time._  
_I know the terrible pain of watching a friend die and I deeply hope that you were not present when it happened. I also hope for the others to be around to distract you, to keep you grounded and to show you to go on. Because there are other humans who need you and for whom you can and need to be strong._  
_And you have to go on. You have to live to get outside one day, defeat the titans and visit all those wonderful places we always dreamt of._  
_I still like to think back to those times almost ten years ago, when we sat on the steps, marvelled at the pictures and imagined one day seeing this world out there._  
_The boiling earth, the land of ice, lakes big enough that you cannot see their shores anymore. All these fantastic, inconceivable places out there – you have to see them some day. And you have to memorize them in detail, because I will ask you about them. Sometime in the distant future when we meet again you will have to tell me about them so that we can laugh at all the mockers from our childhood and tell them the stories are true. Tell them that we are not just dreamers and weirdoes and that all those things we believed in are real._  
_If I can no longer come, you have to go for both of us. I will wait for you to.  
In the meantime, live, don't think too much about me and if you do, only remember the pleasant times. During my childhood you were the only one who did not laugh, but instead did listen to me. I'm fairly certain you already know, but I still want to write it down: Thank you, Eren. Thank you for being a dear friend._

_I will be waiting for you, but, please, take your time._

_Armin_

Armin laughed at the thought of showing this letter to Eren today. Surely he would have gotten a telling-off for his words and the mere fact that he even thought about the possibility of dying. He would have told him he would be looking out for him and to stop pondering about death.  
It would be so characteristic of Eren.  
But Armin knew how mortal and weak he was and sooner or later Eren would have to realize as much.  
Slowly and thoughtfully he folded the letter, pushed it inside the envelope lying next to him and sealed it before adding Eren's name on top and putting it to the side.


End file.
